My Identity Crisis

Yesterday I realized something. My best friend likes who he's becoming. And for the hundredth time in my life I asked myself, "Do I like me?"

In all honesty, sometimes I exasperate myself. I often feel like I need to grow up, and then somebody will come to me for advice and I'll feel more adult than ever. 

I don't like how fast my emotions change sometimes. One moment I'll be smiling, and the next I'll be bawling like the world is ending. 

Yesterday at Young Life, Mikey gave a testimonial, which made pretty much everyone tear up. But I felt stupid because I really started crying toward the end. Mikey said, "No matter what stuff you're going through right now, God loves you." And I knew in my heart that I didn't fully believe it. I want to. But with all the crap that's been in my life in the past few months, it's a little hard to believe that I'm not totally abandoned. Because that's how I feel. I feel like an orphan. I don't have parents, I have two people who feed me and nag me. That's it. Parents talk to you. Parents consistently show their love. And I know that if I were to say that in front of people, many would be shocked. "But your mom does love you!" 

How would you know? You don't see our relationship as it is. You see it the way you want it to be. But isn't that just life?

I've had two or three mysterious bruises in the past week. I don't understand where they're coming from. I don't bruise easily, so you'd think I would remember where I got hurt. 

I love popping my joints. It feels so good.

15 minutes. That's how long I have until I leave this accursed school to perform with some of my best friends. I hope all goes well. 

I'm pretty sure Cap is perpetually irritated with me now. Sad face. I totally adore him.

I want to work at Cowtown Candy so badly. I'm going in for an interview sometime in the next week or so. Yay Gigi! I really want a full-time job there this summer. That would make Gigi very happy. Otherwise Gigi will have to work at Walgreens or something ridiculous and meaningless like that. 

I love driving. Seriously. L-O-V-E it. 

I like singing too. I like singing while I drive.

I am super-excited for prom. I've been looking for ideas for what to do with Sara's hair. She'll look gorgeous no matter what, of course. 

My patootie is in pain. 

I kind of want Lemon Heads. Which I haven't had in like a year. Or more. 

I'm broke. Super broke. I only have like 20 bucks left in my checking account. Oh well. That'll change at the end of the week. ^-^ I'm still über careful with my money, generally speaking. But yearbooks are $60 this year!! That's ridiculous!! I'm thinking of asking my mom to go halfsies with me. Then I'd only pay $30, and it'd be our yearbook, but people would sign it to me. Hmm.

Seven minutes. 

My butt hurts so bad. Owwwww.

I'm such a history nerd. Ugh. Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself. 

I want to run away. It's time for something to happen in the life of Gigi. Prom is coming, but that's not good enough. Gigi needs to get out of her normal environment. Gigi needs to get lost and make new friends and be responsible for herself. Gigi is good at traveling. 

Ah, I take it back. Prom will be awesome. 

Four minutes.

I'm listening to a happy song and all I want to do is cry. I keep trying to cry. But nothing is working. I need to cry.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. I thought I was okay, finally. Thought I was basically cured. But hey, what's it to you? Your perfect (or not) little girl is just a polite robot who occasionally acts out and sometimes smiles. Either way, it's just a malfunction. Kick the machine and it'll start working again. Right?

Sometimes I still get the temptation to drive into the other lane...just to see what would happen. But I don't want anybody else to get hurt.
Hey, I'm not suicidal.
Just experimental.

I collect experiences. I guess that's why I'm a slightly strange person.
I put my little glowing experiences in clear glass jars with the lids shut tight, and I save them all on a shelf. Sometimes I take them down and just look at them. A few are ugly. A few are beautiful. All are fascinating.

Blood is cool. I've never been a fan of slasher movies. Natural blood, calm, clean blood...now that's beautiful.

Funny how I make such binding promises.

Dresses are my new favorite thing.

Sometimes I hate the telephone.

I need somebody to hold my hand. I need a beating heart to listen to at night. I need kisses on the back of my neck and whispers in my ear.
Technically I have these...they're just not easily accessible.


Bummer.

Just a moment ago I read this: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hY9EJOvoVv2Mwr_gn_bKdoVG5MGQD976CVL81
The article (from the Associated Press, pretty much the best news source on the planet) says that a little war has broken out between Catholic bishops and Notre Dame University. Notre Dame invited President Barack Obama to speak at its commencement ceremony this May, as is the custom for new presidents. However, many Catholics are shocked at the thought of someone so vehemently pro-abortion speaking on a Catholic campus.
Um.
Excuse me?
President Obama is pro-abortion and he supports embyronic stem cell research. But if I remember correctly, those topics don't generally appear in graduation speeches. Usually commencement speeches are focused on the future and hard work and hope. Obama is good at hope. It's his word.
I really don't understand two main things about this "issue." First, that it has become such a juvenile argument. As a Catholic myself, I can understand the anger and resentment that fill pro-life hearts around the world at the thought of a pro-abortion leader. But as a near-adult, a rational thinker and a politically-inclined teen, I can't see why they must attack Obama's ideas on this level. A more appropriate course of action surely lies elsewhere.
Secondly, I don't see why it is being blown into such huge proportions. I actually discovered it via Catholic e-newsletter. The newsletter was a link that led to dozens of other links which led to countless stories about the conflict between Catholic bishops and Notre Dame administrators. Why must we make take this particular opportunity to demote abortion? There are plenty of others.