My heart is pounding
a million buffalo
stampede
It's like suddenly
the blood in the cup,
His blood, is mine
Spicy and sweet
Bitter and beautiful
If only you knew
how you make me feel.
Thousands of tiny blue butterflies
flit under my rib cage,
tickling me
You look at me, that amazing
grin on your face,
the one that reflects my thoughts,
and God....
suddenly I just know,
with the intuition
I was born with
I know.
We are the black and white,
Without one, the other cannot exist.
We complement each other.
Without the light, there is no shadow.
Without you, I am nothing.
(Not that anybody reads this, but if you do...you can probably tell...I fell in love with him.)
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Up Until Now
My mind is pretty much running non-stop right now. Which is kind of nice, except I'm driving myself nuts. See, I've been out of a relationship for.....*counts on fingers*....a grand total of six days today. Not even a week. And I already have a possible crush. *bashes head against nearest wall* Oh, the glories of teenage angst! See, it's so weird...I've known this guy for about a year. I adopted him as a brother after my friend Klarissa and I cried on his shirt so much he actually had to wring it out. (This was at a church retreat, a really powerful time.) He and I kept in touch erratically during the summer, which was cool. He's younger than I am, so I was pretty excited to see him come into the high school. (Woot!) But he decided to play it cool and be the big, macho man who pretty much ignores his "big sister." That hurt me more than I can say. So I retreated within myself, broke up with my then-boyfriend, got depressed, got self-mutilating, got suicidal. (None of this was his fault though.) I was lost, alone, and insane. I met another guy, and fell quickly and deeply in love. This guy temporarily saved me from me. But soon I felt (or rather, sensed) that something was wrong. Last Monday my intuition was driving me CRAZY, I had this nagging feeling that something horrible was about to happen. I was right. After school, I got dumped for the first time ever. I. Was. Devastated. I cried. And cried. And sobbed. And cried. My heart was broken. The thought of suicide came back to me. But by then I'd started listening to God a lot more, so I knew it was out of the question, and if I could only hang on a while longer, I'd be okay. I had people to support me this time, people who cared if I was bawling my eyes out, people who cared if I couldn't eat or sleep or function. Which was nice. And then the newly-minted ex posted a blog, pissed me off, and BAM! I was over him. Over him, and happy. I felt free, exhilarated, alive. And then my freshman buddy and I (we'd reconnected at the annual retreat) hung out.
Okaayy, backtrack time. The Friday before, my pet turtle died. :( On Saturday was the most intense part of the retreat. My freshman kid and I sat (uh, knelt.) together, knowing what was going to happen. I felt so much love from God...I don't even know how to explain it. I started crying, and he held me close. I started crying harder. I kept thinking, "Why am I getting this much love from someone I'm not dating?" And then he was stroking my hair, so gently. I cried even harder. At one point, he looked down at my hand in his and softly remarked, "Such tiny hands...." My hands aren't exactly tiny, but compared to his...well, he's very athletic. 'Nough said. So I didn't make his shirt sopping wet, (Klarissa had someone else to cry on, hmph!) but I used up plenty of Kleenex. I can honestly say that while I was weeping in his lap, I have never felt so protected. Even in previous relationships....it was weird though, because somehow I knew how he was feeling when he was holding me. I don't know how I knew, (intuition?) but I knew his feelings toward me had changed. Th' other guy and I were still together at that point, and I was in denial that it was ending. So, inwardly, I was going, "Shiiiiiiiiiit..." but another part of me was going, "I don't get this kind of love. Not anymore...." But again, I denied that I was had any less-than-sisterly feelings for him. I didn't need that complication to an already upside-down life.
Fast-forward to Friday. There I am, single and happy, trying to figure out what I want. (Or rather...who.) He was in town (for once lol) so we met up. Sadly, my favorite coffee place was closed (boo) so we went to a café. (Well, the Mountain West version of one, that is.) I still got coffee, he got plain ol' vanilla ice cream. {Whaaat?! So unlike him!} A few other teens drifted in, and after some shenanigans with them, we decided to leave. We walked to the library, where (hurray!) I found a book I'd been wanting to read for a few weeks. He said (bahaha!) he felt out of place in the "grown-up section," so we wandered downstairs to the kiddies section. Eventually we settled down, [after being forced to move by a loud little kid playing a computer game grrr!] and read. I was really comfortable, but eventually reading just got kinda dull. So we popped over to the park! I love the park, honestly. Even in winter it's fun. He didn't swing, (party pooper!) but I did, and I had a blast! After generally acting childish (on my part, not his) we walked to meet my dad. (I'd called Mom and she suggested I invite him over for dinner. Shock of my life....we never just randomly invite people over.) It was fun and relaxing that evening....chillin' in my room, throwing stuffed animals at each other, :D and watching The Simpsons Movie. (Never let a football player around a pizza. Just FYI.) I had this weird feeling like I wanted to sit thisclose to him. I was way confused. What was going on with my heart? When we dropped him off, I wanted to climb out of the car so I could give him a proper hug.
So it's Sunday. I'm sitting here, holding his shirt close...isn't it ironic? He gave me this shirt mere hours before I was dumped. Huh. Anyway. I'm planning on just giving my heart some time to itself. I need to figure out what I want, and time to sort of enjoy being single. I mean, flirting is fun!! But he's definitely on my mind.
Okaayy, backtrack time. The Friday before, my pet turtle died. :( On Saturday was the most intense part of the retreat. My freshman kid and I sat (uh, knelt.) together, knowing what was going to happen. I felt so much love from God...I don't even know how to explain it. I started crying, and he held me close. I started crying harder. I kept thinking, "Why am I getting this much love from someone I'm not dating?" And then he was stroking my hair, so gently. I cried even harder. At one point, he looked down at my hand in his and softly remarked, "Such tiny hands...." My hands aren't exactly tiny, but compared to his...well, he's very athletic. 'Nough said. So I didn't make his shirt sopping wet, (Klarissa had someone else to cry on, hmph!) but I used up plenty of Kleenex. I can honestly say that while I was weeping in his lap, I have never felt so protected. Even in previous relationships....it was weird though, because somehow I knew how he was feeling when he was holding me. I don't know how I knew, (intuition?) but I knew his feelings toward me had changed. Th' other guy and I were still together at that point, and I was in denial that it was ending. So, inwardly, I was going, "Shiiiiiiiiiit..." but another part of me was going, "I don't get this kind of love. Not anymore...." But again, I denied that I was had any less-than-sisterly feelings for him. I didn't need that complication to an already upside-down life.
Fast-forward to Friday. There I am, single and happy, trying to figure out what I want. (Or rather...who.) He was in town (for once lol) so we met up. Sadly, my favorite coffee place was closed (boo) so we went to a café. (Well, the Mountain West version of one, that is.) I still got coffee, he got plain ol' vanilla ice cream. {Whaaat?! So unlike him!} A few other teens drifted in, and after some shenanigans with them, we decided to leave. We walked to the library, where (hurray!) I found a book I'd been wanting to read for a few weeks. He said (bahaha!) he felt out of place in the "grown-up section," so we wandered downstairs to the kiddies section. Eventually we settled down, [after being forced to move by a loud little kid playing a computer game grrr!] and read. I was really comfortable, but eventually reading just got kinda dull. So we popped over to the park! I love the park, honestly. Even in winter it's fun. He didn't swing, (party pooper!) but I did, and I had a blast! After generally acting childish (on my part, not his) we walked to meet my dad. (I'd called Mom and she suggested I invite him over for dinner. Shock of my life....we never just randomly invite people over.) It was fun and relaxing that evening....chillin' in my room, throwing stuffed animals at each other, :D and watching The Simpsons Movie. (Never let a football player around a pizza. Just FYI.) I had this weird feeling like I wanted to sit thisclose to him. I was way confused. What was going on with my heart? When we dropped him off, I wanted to climb out of the car so I could give him a proper hug.
So it's Sunday. I'm sitting here, holding his shirt close...isn't it ironic? He gave me this shirt mere hours before I was dumped. Huh. Anyway. I'm planning on just giving my heart some time to itself. I need to figure out what I want, and time to sort of enjoy being single. I mean, flirting is fun!! But he's definitely on my mind.
The Flip Side
Welcome to the Flip Side, the place where mookie's thoughts will rule, unrestrained. Watch as she bumps through life with a life raft and a prayer! See mookie negotiate the dating scene, evil teachers, and demented parents!
So yeah, this is a place for me (hi I'm mookie!) to share the stuff I don't talk about. I'm a sixteen year-old girl living in the exact center of nowhere. I don't usually talk a lot, but here I will. Most of the stuff I say will probably have to be taken with a grain of salt...and some Tylenol. Bear with me or bug off!
So yeah, this is a place for me (hi I'm mookie!) to share the stuff I don't talk about. I'm a sixteen year-old girl living in the exact center of nowhere. I don't usually talk a lot, but here I will. Most of the stuff I say will probably have to be taken with a grain of salt...and some Tylenol. Bear with me or bug off!
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