My Inspired Heart

Poetry never fails to destroy my cynicism or stoicism or whatever hard-nosed thing I happen to be that day. Poetry about death makes me wonder when I will experience my first real death...I guess the deaths of pets don't really count, do they? Poetry about kids makes me excited to have children of my own. And poetry about love? That usually affects me the strongest of all.
The watery words, the insubstantial breaths cause me to crave his touch, his kiss, his heart beneath my ear. There's something wonderful about snuggling up to his chest....something borderline magical.
I, like, soooo do not deserve him.
But we've had that "discussion" before.
I thought about bed last night. Our bed. What it will be like to fall asleep together, dream...and awaken to the sun's caress.
There's a line in my poetry.....
When we sleep together/
When we breathe each other's breath/

God, how that reminds me of us.

Funny how I miss him sometimes. At random times.
Funny how I'm so hesitatingly impatient for the future to arrive.
Funny how much I love him.

My Physical Contact

It's back.
No.
Not again.
Yes, again.
Fuck.
Leave me alone, alright? It was just a high five. Just a damn high five.
First time in months. First time in....nine and a half...ten months.
That's a long time.
Yeah, it is.
Just a high five. Relax.
I know where this is going. I've been down this road before and it's bumpy and horrid.
What was that word?
Hideous.
"Such a girl word," he said. "I like it."
Gotdamn. This barely even makes sense to me.
What did he call it?
Oh yeah, stream of consciousness writing.
I like it.
Random.
"Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!"
Fat whore.
I have to pee.
Peeing's a chore. Sort of.
Hmm.
Why don't I make more of an effort?
Stupid girl.
It's not on yet. Stupid internet.
Damn. You fucker. You fucking bastard. Take me from high to low in 2.3 flat. It ain't fair.
Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow
Gawd, it's enough to kill a rhino.
I wish I had a different stream in this damn desert.
I want Oreos.
I'm calming. But I NEED to hear those French accents. Then I can really mellow out.
I need his voice too.
Or would that just put me on edge again.
High five.
Damn.
I'm gonna pee.

It Begins With Me

I've seen it.
I know what the future could be,
I saw the potential, and I think
It begins with me.

I saw a world full of peace,
A world new and free.
I saw a nation rising up,
A nation including me.

I saw people being helped
By their fellow man.
I saw the path stretching out,
And knew I was part of the plan.

I saw dignity restored,
And dreams become reality.
I saw children smile,
And I knew it started with me.

I saw a planet healed,
Happy elderly and youth.
I saw free education,
And knew I'd found Truth.

I saw true gratefulness,
And widespread equality.
I saw a beautiful world,
And knew it began with me.

My Depression, Drugs, And In-Jokes

It's getting closer to Christmas. Yay!
I keep thinking about last Christmas...how depressing it was. I was in an almost-relationship when I decorated the tree...by myself. My parents had no desire to help. Decorating the house and the tree has always been a family affair. But last year, I was the only one who had any interest in festivity. Which was ironic, since I was depressed. I pushed my mom to make her traditional Christmas cookies. I had all of my gifts wrapped before anybody else. It was so weird, to have all this holiday spirit and still feel like everything was dark.
I really want hot cocoa now.
I....need to cheer up.
Oh my gosh! You know what I wanna do? I wanna go sledding! I haven't gone sledding since I was nine. I basically stopped the day I sprained my wrist.
Journalism is starting to become quite the drug. I get high off of interviewing people. I get satisfaction from getting my stories back from editors. I get a fire in my heart when I hear people talk about stuff they've read in the paper, even if it's not my story.
Mellow.
Do you ever make jokes that nobody else gets? That happens far too often for me.
Last night I was laughing silently, and I had to make myself stop so I could sleep. I kept thinking of saying, "Kyrie, if you try to cuddle with me I'm gonna kill you." For some reason that seemed really funny to me.
LIFE IS MY CRACK.

My KRAFT caramels

I think they have a center of pure crack. Seriously. These things are addictive!!

My Unusual Taste Buds

I've finally found a form of alcohol that doesn't make me retch. It's name is burgundy wine, and we are casual acquaintances. We may become more, but we will never be lovers. But it's still a revelation that there is a drink that I like. The newness of it is overwhelmingly bright.

My Political Scandal

I am an enigma of my generation. When, a week ago, I began suggesting that a story on the presidential election be put in the school newspaper, I was shocked and dismayed to see how few people cared. In reality, I was the only student in the room who not only lacked an opinion, but knew every candidate and veep candidate from their first appearance in the media. I suppose I have to thank my mother (the history teacher) for making me watch the news at dinner, and for giving me the political gene.

At the beginning of the "race," (I don't see a finish line, nor a trophy) I was crossing my fingers for Obama. The free spirit in me abhors the thought of another wrinkly old white male in the Oval Office, though the Catholic me is disturbed at the thought of having a pro-abortion President.

Now, I'm not so sure who I want to "lead" our country. There are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. So I've finally come to the decision to let it go. When people ask, "What are you?" I think I'll reply, "Why, I'm human! What are you?" And when they ask, "Who do you want to win?" I will answer, "Mountain Dew Revolution."

My parents both consider themselves Independents, though my mother is listed as Republican. I have a natural tendency to lean slightly Right, though if I hadn't been baptized at age 8, I'm sure I'd be as Leftist and radical as my hippie aunt.

I think the Republican side of things desperately needs shaking up. For one thing, enough with the old white males; let's see some [smart] women in the White House. And enough with this selective blindness; things like rape, teen pregnancy, addictions and adultery happen. Instead of ignoring them, why not fix them now? The same with the economy...everyone seems to be talking about it. Everyone is worried. Let's get a few heads together to make it better the right way. I can already see the financial pain and struggles my generation is going to go through, but nobody seems to care enough to stand up and protest, least of all my own generation. Or maybe we're all just a bunch of cowards. Lastly, why are politicians barely even whispering about the environment? Are they too engrossed in the latest facts and polls to look out the window and see the brown sky? They're shrugging off the letters and petitions asking for alternative energy, clean fuel, and conservation. What will my entire generation be doing when we're drowning in puddles of sludge, acid rain, and melted glaciers? We will be cursing our self-absorbed predecessors. The adults of the current time need to be just that: adults. They may be the Flower Children, but this world is badly in need of some responsible men and women.

My Style

Needs a drastic revolution.

Pickles

do not stick to ceilings. Sadly.

My Dim Wishing

Mrs. Morlang is superbly nice. Lol but she thinks I’m better than I really am. She likes Jeremy Tuten. He’s nice enough, I guess.

Gosh, I love typing. Is that weird? I like the sound of computer keys. I remember when I was little the computer was only a little ways outside my room, so I would always hear Ted typing away at night. It was kind of a soothing, happy sound for me. I miss that.

I wish I looked like Natalie Portman. She’s so beautiful. So thin and perfect.

Instead I look like….like….like the shoulda-woulda-coulda that I am.
Oh well. At least I don’t practice false advertising.

The power’s out at our house. Thank God for laptop batteries. Unfortunately, the power being out also means that I can’t access the internet. Which means this blog is technically late. It’s exactly 7:00 PM right now.

Ooh. Power just came on. Which means this blog will be up by 7:05 PM.
☺

My armpit hurts.

Newsflash

I'm an idiot. Who knew?

My Confusions, Emotional Contusions, and Social Illusions

I actually thought that I was socially okay. Like not EVERYBODY likes me, and I know that. I can deal with that. But I thought that most everybody at least tolerated me. Noooo. Not so.
And to make it worse, my duet partner and trusted friend is on the same side of the river as me. The "wrong" side.
At this moment, there are about ten or fifteen people in the hotel hallway, sitting in a circle, having some sort of powwow. They refuse to let me pass to buy a bottle of water. They seem to be having plenty of fun.

God, it's just like middle school.
I don't need this.
Not again.

My Familial Sorrow

Arson.
I can't believe it.
Arson.
What kind of monster would do such a thing? Not only arson, but theft as well! What kind of disgusting scum would feel the need to spread pain on this planet? Isn't there enough?!
My aunt and uncle built their lives together. Over 100 years combined, of history, memories, love. All gone. Ashes.
Even the metal was melted. There is nothing recognizable.
My God, who would set fire to a moving van? Really.
I don't hope the person/people who did it get what's coming to them. Nor do I pray for their forgiveness. I hope that they know how much pain they have caused.
They have destroyed lives. A marriage. A family.
Nothing is left.
Just ashes.
Ashes and pain.

To The Dirtbike/4-wheeler-Owning Neighbor

First off, congratulations to you. You must have quite the superpower, to be able to sense when someone is attempting to concentrate. Must have been (be??) a real joy to your teachers. Even now, you're zooming over your man-made hillocks at breakneck speeds of at least forty-five. I was attempting to complete an assignment for an honors class, but in light of your very audible pastime, I'm afraid I must abandon it. I really hope you're done with your little hobby by seven thirty. Sometimes you stay out until eight or nine. You must have really great night vision.
Secondly, I wonder if you have heard of this great new part for your vehicle. It is commonly known as a muffler. It makes things go hushy-hushy. Look into it, yes? I know you are very proud of your skills. I would be too, if I learned to master balancing on four (or even *gasp* TWO!) wheels. And keeping up your speed enough to climb a small hill and careen down the other side? Sheer genius! In fact, I'm proud of you. Ignoring those gas prices like everything's gonna be okay! GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm sure somebody of average brain size (i.e. not you) will figure it all out so that we can ALL burn energy for fun!
And don't forget to wear your helmet! We wouldn't want a lovable dumbfuck like you to go comatose, now would we?

My Whatevernessocity

Lalala I'm wasting time. Lalala. I have my permit. Driving is fun and terrifying at the same time. I'm a slow driver. I can hardly wait until I can actually drive my friends places. And Lee! It'll be cool when I can drive out to his place. :)
My homecoming dress came in the mail. Yay! It's golden yellow. :) I intentionally chose that color because the skool colors are blue & gold. Woo! I'm still looking for hairstyles though. And I need to decide what jewelry I'll wear....I'm sure I'll find something.
I can't wait for Homecoming. Really. I love dressing up for each day of Homecoming Week. Except this year our themes are retarded. (Excuse my language.) But they are. It was basically up to two stupid preps to decide the themes. I hate them. Jeebus. I would have picked something cooler than the wild west. Like Africa. Or Latin America. Or.....Old England! Yeah! Knights and fair ladies and magic! I could totally go for that.
Anyways. Life is mostly good. My dad's being an ass. Last night I cried....because I noticed that he'd taken down my mom's picture. I think there are only two reasons they're still together. One is me. The other is that it's cheaper to stay together.
I got a Twitter account. I have no idea why.
I need to go shopping.
Yes indeed.
Bleh.

10 Reasons To Hate The Sea

10) Fish pee in it.
9) Things die in it.
8) Jellyfish
7) Shipwrecks
6) Corpses, the results of shipwrecks
5) Seaweed
4) People puke/pee/poop in it
3) Sharks
2) Companies and power plants dump chemical waste into it
and.....
1) All of the above can make you violently ill

Night Hawks And Nesting Memories

Lightly, I hopped up
And landed gently on the windowsill.
Mom, after two tries,
Got up less gracefully
And we laughed ourselves to tears.
When the laughter subsided,
The gentle breeze
And sweet serenity
Of a mild July night
Lulled us into silence.
A night hawk called
Into the darkness.
I whistled back.
The nighthawk and I
Held a conversation
Until he tired of the game
And flew away.
Mom and I perched on the sill,
Watching lightning flare in the distance.
She whispered to me
How happy she'd been
When I was born.
How happy she'd been
To have me.
I wondered,
"Aren't you now?
Or are you ashamed?"
Aloud, I only agreed
With her rosily-tinted memories
Of my childhood.
The lightning flickered on the horizon,
And I wished to stay
On the windowsill
For all eternity.

Awe

I look at you
Your perfectly formed body
Your eyes (so blue)

I look at you
I see your spirit, your soul
Blindingly beautiful, strong

I look at us
In the mirror
I see a picture well painted
By the master artist Himself

I look at me
My cold, impersonal reflection
My outside is not my inside

I look at you
And I realize, once again,
That you love me no matter what.

Lizards

We were once adrift, you and I,
On separate currents,
Unaware of the other's existence
Alone, cold, wet and miserable
Hunched on driftwood,
Peering up at the sky
And asking if there was anyone
To hear us.
The same day, we both went utterly mad
And in our terror cried out
Only to gasp in shock,
Hearing the other's voice
We jumped off our little driftwood islands,
You perhaps more readily than I
But I jumped too, at your urging,
And found the water warm
We swam hastily for each other,
And then clung, like lizards to rocks,
To each other's bodies,
Vowing never to let go.

Pulse

My heart is pounding
a million buffalo
stampede
It's like suddenly
the blood in the cup,
His blood, is mine
Spicy and sweet
Bitter and beautiful
If only you knew
how you make me feel.
Thousands of tiny blue butterflies
flit under my rib cage,
tickling me
You look at me, that amazing
grin on your face,
the one that reflects my thoughts,
and God....
suddenly I just know,
with the intuition
I was born with
I know.
We are the black and white,
Without one, the other cannot exist.
We complement each other.
Without the light, there is no shadow.
Without you, I am nothing.

(Not that anybody reads this, but if you do...you can probably tell...I fell in love with him.)

Up Until Now

My mind is pretty much running non-stop right now. Which is kind of nice, except I'm driving myself nuts. See, I've been out of a relationship for.....*counts on fingers*....a grand total of six days today. Not even a week. And I already have a possible crush. *bashes head against nearest wall* Oh, the glories of teenage angst! See, it's so weird...I've known this guy for about a year. I adopted him as a brother after my friend Klarissa and I cried on his shirt so much he actually had to wring it out. (This was at a church retreat, a really powerful time.) He and I kept in touch erratically during the summer, which was cool. He's younger than I am, so I was pretty excited to see him come into the high school. (Woot!) But he decided to play it cool and be the big, macho man who pretty much ignores his "big sister." That hurt me more than I can say. So I retreated within myself, broke up with my then-boyfriend, got depressed, got self-mutilating, got suicidal. (None of this was his fault though.) I was lost, alone, and insane. I met another guy, and fell quickly and deeply in love. This guy temporarily saved me from me. But soon I felt (or rather, sensed) that something was wrong. Last Monday my intuition was driving me CRAZY, I had this nagging feeling that something horrible was about to happen. I was right. After school, I got dumped for the first time ever. I. Was. Devastated. I cried. And cried. And sobbed. And cried. My heart was broken. The thought of suicide came back to me. But by then I'd started listening to God a lot more, so I knew it was out of the question, and if I could only hang on a while longer, I'd be okay. I had people to support me this time, people who cared if I was bawling my eyes out, people who cared if I couldn't eat or sleep or function. Which was nice. And then the newly-minted ex posted a blog, pissed me off, and BAM! I was over him. Over him, and happy. I felt free, exhilarated, alive. And then my freshman buddy and I (we'd reconnected at the annual retreat) hung out.
Okaayy, backtrack time. The Friday before, my pet turtle died. :( On Saturday was the most intense part of the retreat. My freshman kid and I sat (uh, knelt.) together, knowing what was going to happen. I felt so much love from God...I don't even know how to explain it. I started crying, and he held me close. I started crying harder. I kept thinking, "Why am I getting this much love from someone I'm not dating?" And then he was stroking my hair, so gently. I cried even harder. At one point, he looked down at my hand in his and softly remarked, "Such tiny hands...." My hands aren't exactly tiny, but compared to his...well, he's very athletic. 'Nough said. So I didn't make his shirt sopping wet, (Klarissa had someone else to cry on, hmph!) but I used up plenty of Kleenex. I can honestly say that while I was weeping in his lap, I have never felt so protected. Even in previous relationships....it was weird though, because somehow I knew how he was feeling when he was holding me. I don't know how I knew, (intuition?) but I knew his feelings toward me had changed. Th' other guy and I were still together at that point, and I was in denial that it was ending. So, inwardly, I was going, "Shiiiiiiiiiit..." but another part of me was going, "I don't get this kind of love. Not anymore...." But again, I denied that I was had any less-than-sisterly feelings for him. I didn't need that complication to an already upside-down life.
Fast-forward to Friday. There I am, single and happy, trying to figure out what I want. (Or rather...who.) He was in town (for once lol) so we met up. Sadly, my favorite coffee place was closed (boo) so we went to a café. (Well, the Mountain West version of one, that is.) I still got coffee, he got plain ol' vanilla ice cream. {Whaaat?! So unlike him!} A few other teens drifted in, and after some shenanigans with them, we decided to leave. We walked to the library, where (hurray!) I found a book I'd been wanting to read for a few weeks. He said (bahaha!) he felt out of place in the "grown-up section," so we wandered downstairs to the kiddies section. Eventually we settled down, [after being forced to move by a loud little kid playing a computer game grrr!] and read. I was really comfortable, but eventually reading just got kinda dull. So we popped over to the park! I love the park, honestly. Even in winter it's fun. He didn't swing, (party pooper!) but I did, and I had a blast! After generally acting childish (on my part, not his) we walked to meet my dad. (I'd called Mom and she suggested I invite him over for dinner. Shock of my life....we never just randomly invite people over.) It was fun and relaxing that evening....chillin' in my room, throwing stuffed animals at each other, :D and watching The Simpsons Movie. (Never let a football player around a pizza. Just FYI.) I had this weird feeling like I wanted to sit thisclose to him. I was way confused. What was going on with my heart? When we dropped him off, I wanted to climb out of the car so I could give him a proper hug.
So it's Sunday. I'm sitting here, holding his shirt close...isn't it ironic? He gave me this shirt mere hours before I was dumped. Huh. Anyway. I'm planning on just giving my heart some time to itself. I need to figure out what I want, and time to sort of enjoy being single. I mean, flirting is fun!! But he's definitely on my mind.

The Flip Side

Welcome to the Flip Side, the place where mookie's thoughts will rule, unrestrained. Watch as she bumps through life with a life raft and a prayer! See mookie negotiate the dating scene, evil teachers, and demented parents!
So yeah, this is a place for me (hi I'm mookie!) to share the stuff I don't talk about. I'm a sixteen year-old girl living in the exact center of nowhere. I don't usually talk a lot, but here I will. Most of the stuff I say will probably have to be taken with a grain of salt...and some Tylenol. Bear with me or bug off!